Living in the gift of every hour
Let all that is eternal within me welcome the wonder of this day. John O’Donohue
Summary: We develop the habit early on of gaining and getting. We acquire things like food to survive and money to sustain ourselves, and then soon after things like accolades or titles to embellish our self-opinion. Practice #6 is about balancing out this gain/get meta-habit. To go past the acquire-at-all-times mode, we need the soul-forging power of disassembly and dissolution to allow a lighter spirit and a bigger us to take its place. Adding and acquiring are good and have their place. Subtracting and accepting have their place. As with all the practices, we can make progress from the very beginning of the practice and still, to harvest its full benefits, we will need to persist. We will chip away at the seeking gain impulse for a long while most likely, but every advance can be rewarding as we implant a highly useful stance in life.
Mental Frames for Accepting over Getting
In ordinary life, our thinking and actions go from what is “unfinished” to what is “finished.” Anything not in its end state needs work, needs to become more complete. We want to get ahead of the curve, a leg up. So, we work to make that happen and will and muscle and yang it out. In contrast, this practice offers an alternative direction and style of thinking–one that goes from “finished” to “finished” as natural evolutionary yin states of emergence. We encounter a similar thought in Eastern thinking, and in systems thinking and the idea of emergence. (Staying in the moment of practices 1 and 2, mindful mind and witnessing, are positive preliminary practices for this practice.)
In other words, we don’t have to always take on the extra work of gaining/getting, or of making something complete from its incomplete state. We can allow it to emerge, with a positive attitude and some supporting actions when needed. But the real force for change and growth here is allowing–it is less our work and more our presence and encouragement. We foster it, water it with acceptance of its “perfect incompleteness” in the moment, like we do a new seedling. Teachers and coaches have this as a natural mindset: the 3rd grader or 11th grader, or young professional, are perfect as they are for their life stage and as they emerge into the next perfect stage.
The wisdom traditions are all over this yin yang difference. The second and third phrases of the St. Francis serenity prayer, ….”to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference,” and also much Buddhism, Taoism, and influences on me with their fine writing on the ego we need to tame. My coach and author, Kathleen Dowling Singh, and David Hawkins, and Michael Springer can all be mentioned here.
Forrest, the Acceptance Teacher
Forrest Gump, the Tom Hanks character from the 1994 movie, had this quality of childlike reverence and appreciation, since he was unencumbered with the usual adult career and life mandates. At his core was a slowed-down poetic/artistic side that he told Jenny about when she asked him if he had been afraid while in the army in Vietnam? Yes, well I don’t know. Sometimes it would stop raining enough for the stars to come out…then it was nice. It was just like before the sun would go to bed on the bayou, there was always a million sparkles on the water. Or like that mountain lake, Jenny, it was so clear, it looked like it was two skies one on top of the other. And then in the desert when the sun comes up, I couldn’t tell when heaven stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful.”
This Gumpish attitude has a no-gain, accepting versus getting foundation that appreciates the moment and its possibilities. Gratitude like Forrest’s is at the heart of practice #5 and it goes hand in hand with accept/allow, practice #6, as it emphasizes what is here to appreciate, not what is not here to strive for.
There is a paradox here of course—this practice is about gaining something, gaining an attitude of acceptance versus acquiring. We need to keep our sense of humor about all the practices, holding them with both a lightness and an intensity as we:
- accept our humanness and our clumsiness in forcing the practices versus gently but intensely practicing and persisting in them, and:
- looking through the holes that language inevitably creates in the “theory” of a practice or describing it. We use words to go past them, and this “going past” feature shows up regularly as our words hit their limits.
- This is a repeated reminder, from practice 1. We use repetitions and iterations deliberately, so thoughts slowly sink in. This work is more about a stance or disposition more than acquisition of information. It is characterological more than strictly logical.
Accepting and allowing helps us develop our new internal center of being as the seat of contentedness and love, not the seat of gain. Gain/get has its place and then it so needs to find a friend in allow/accept. The command/control impulse of gain/get can allow and even foster an alternative operating system in the brain-mind. This alternative stems more from the right hemisphere-initiated neuro-programs that experience wholeness and emphasizes values and relatedness, not utility. With steady attention to this practice, we both experience more of the wholeness and completeness around us and we become more whole on the inside, moored in a state of being and at ease with what is. The means and the end are the same.
William Blake expresses this beautifully:
He who binds himself to a joy does the winged life destroy
He who kisses the joy as it flies lives in eternity’s sunrise
He warns us to not ruin the moment trying to tie down something joyous but fleeting. That something can range from the entertainment value of a fond memory that makes us overly reminiscent, or the hurts-so-good recall of our favorite victim stories that we love to retell.
This accepting versus gaining attitude keeps us connected to the wonders of now, so often missed with our regular striving. Forrest figured it out and so can we.
Practice for Accepting Over Getting
—Notice how often during the day you are planning and problem solving versus being and allowing. This is a big first step in awareness. Gain/get is so normal for us that it actually might be hard to see the gain/get impulse behind our everyday doings. That is why mindfulness “works”—interrupting our thinking mind so we can go to aware mind. As I ask my leader coaching clients on occasion, when they are too busy doing to attend to their people and their presence — “what are you doing when you are not a problem-solver?”
—Shift your energy to the right hemisphere (RH) of your brain. (as suggested in practice 1, and I often mention) Shifting this brain energy takes repetition, but as you breathe and take your attention internal, notice the energy in your brain/mind/heart. We of course emphasize the heart, gut, and whole body, but just now think about your brain. Move the energy, through your attention, around inside your head—front to back, brain stem, to front, top near the crown and “bottom” wherever that is, and all around…. then flip your attention from left and right side. Go back and forth. Get used to doing this until you can feel the whole brain and can sense the right side anytime you want to. Accepting/allowing is a whole-brain plus RH experience. We so honor the left hemisphere and its gifts but we don’t want it to take over (read Iain McGilchrist, The Master and His Emissary, or check out his classic TED talk on the Divided Brain.)
—Give yourself little verbal reminders during the day, often, audibly or sub audibly when appropriate. Phrases, and the thoughts behind them, act as affirmations are energy shifters, state of being invitations, and even commands. “Accept this current moment.” “Allow. Be receptive in this conversation.” “Let this emerge.” These are examples only. Make up your own too.
We end with how we started this practice, with a poet of wonder. Let’s often think of the joyous line from John O’Donohue’s A Morning Offering, an accepting anthem if there ever was one. “Let all that is eternal within me welcome the wonder of this day.”
Four practices left. If you missed the introduction to this series and the earlier practices here is the link that started the series. http://www.evocateurblog.com/2023/09/14/ten-practices-helpful-habits-of-mind-and-heart/
And here is a Juan Alvarez meditation and poem on acceptance.
Alignment – excerpted from a guided meditation from Juan Alvarez
Breathing in
and breathing out,
I’m adding the quality
of acceptance and surrender to my gaze.
Whatever it is that becomes relevant
here now in the inner experience,
I completely allow it.
I completely surrender to it.
Not trying to change how this moment is in any way.
Aligning myself with it internally,
saying yes to this moment,
regardless of the content of the moment.
I allow it,
here present,
in complete acceptance of this moment.
When I inhale,
I inhale awareness: here!
When I exhale,
I surrender to this moment: yes!
I inhale here,
present, aware of the moment.
I exhale yes,
complete acceptance, surrender.
Here, inhale.
Yes, exhale.